“Another year older, and what have I done?”

At this time of year I always get a bit introspective.  You know the song line, “Another year older, and what have we done?”

That is how I feel at this time of year.  It is particularly hard for me this year because I have spent another year learning to do less. Three years ago I was working full time and taking on extra commitments and committees at work. Two years ago I began working 80%.  Last year I went down to working 20%, which in my case works out to be 2 afternoons a week.  That’s the schedule I am doing this year.

I felt good about what I was doing 3 years ago.  I was contributing to the world.  I was a wreck.  I didn’t move after I got home from work and I spent weekends trying to get enough rest to function again but I felt I was making a contribution. (To what?  To the world in general I guess.)

However the toll on my health was terrible.  I was in constant pain.  The meals in our home were poor or non-existent.  I didn’t want to put the energy into seeing friends.

With the help of a wonderful occupational therapist at the fatigue clinic, through the MS clinic, I finally saw the need for a bigger change in my life.  She said if you keep on like this one day you will fall and never get up again.  I laughed at the exaggeration.  She seriously told me it was true.  The damage I was doing to my body and my health pushing myself like this was possibly irreparable and was getting worse. With her help I learned a lot about myself, my MS, and my needs.  We discussed what activities are energy draining, what activities are energy restoring, and which are just distractions.  She also taught me that I need brain breaks not just physical breaks during my day.

So, I have learned to start my day slowly instead of charging into it.  I have learned to take breaks that are helpful before I am at my breaking point.  (I don’t always do these things but I am much better at it.) However this means doing things that are helpful only to me, it means doing less that make me feel productive.  It means I feel I am contributing less to the world.

I know I am better at looking after myself.  It is still hard to get over a lifetime of judging my day by how much I got accomplished. 

So this year I have become a bit better at looking after myself and I have become a bit better at explaining what I need to others. Next year I need to work on believing these are important things to do.