My Size

My Size

February 15, 2020

I have never been the size other people think I should be. 

As a child I remember being called a stick.  Adults asked me if my mother was feeding me.

I suddenly without notice went from that to being larger than I should have been.  The first time my mother told me I should eat less to become the size I should be I was in Grade 6. 

I knew I was larger than I should be throughout junior high. I was 5’ 8” and 135 lbs. in Grade 7. (That is the only weight I will tell you in this post.)

I got proportionally larger in high school.  I had trouble finding a Grad dress.  (Not sure why we didn’t try a +size store.  Perhaps my mother could not take that.)

When I was looking for a wedding dress at 21 years old my mother and the saleslady made it very clear that I would be able to get a nicer dress and everything would be better if I was not soooo big.  I think I was a size 16.

Not long after our wedding I went to WW and lost weight.  I regained it.  Two years later I tried WW again and lost 80 lbs and became a lecturer for WW. 

In my first pregnancy I gained 60 lbs.  I gained less weight with each of my successive pregnancies.  I reached my pre-pregnancy weight about 6 months after each baby.  I, however, started and therefore ended each pregnancy cycle at a higher weight.

I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  That’s a form of depression.  My levels of depression and anxiety float around, from manageable to I can’t cope, quite independently of what else is happening in my life.

I was diagnosed with MS.

The numbers on the scale were terrible.

I tried WW again, I did Shapes, I did Weigh Down Workshop, I tried supplements I bought on line, I read and tried various weight loss books and plans, but I could not seem to get results.

I joined U loss.  I swam or walked 6 days out of 7.  I lost 120 lbs.  U loss was expensive and intense.  I was pretty much a model dieter.  I loved losing weight.  I loved the positive attention.  Everyone was proud of me.  I felt strong. I told anyone who would listen that feeling strong and not depressed came before the weight loss not as a result of it but no one wanted to believe me.

I maintained the weight loss for about 2 years.  I slowly started gaining weight.  I changed jobs.  I couldn’t swim before work anymore.  My depression level was up again.    

I tried to get back on track.  I rejoined U loss and did not have success.  I tied to go swimming after school.  I walked the dog miles.  I didn’t walk at all.  I worked with a nutritionist.  I promised myself rewards for healthy behavior or for numbers on the scale. 

I am now the biggest I have ever been.  I know it is unhealthy.  I know it is un-appealing. 

It affects every second of my life.  I feel unworthy.  I have to ignore all kinds of slights.  Some of them people don’t even know they made.  I don’t fit into some chairs.  I can’t do up the seat belts on a plane.  It takes a lot of energy to move.  Standing up is hard.   I have arthritis that would be lessened if I were smaller.  Even +size stores barely have clothes that fit me.  Armrests are never in the right place for me.  I cannot always get appropriate medical help, medical professionals blame too much on obesity. I get so hot and sweaty.  Might be hot flashes that could be helped with hormones – might be size, so no help.  Severe stomach pain and upset –eat more healthily and eat less, oh actually that was a bleeding ulcer, maybe from keeping your stomach too empty.  What I say about health, exercise or a range of other things is taken with a grain of salt – obviously I know nothing about it or I would not be how I am.  Some people know that at times they are not being received well or treated well because of the color of their skin.  I know at times I am not being received or treated well because of my size.  (It’s a different kind of prejudice.  I think it’s based on the idea that a person, as large as I am, is obviously out of control and therefore disgusting.)    

     

I want to be healthy.  I want to move more easily.  I would prefer to not take high blood pressure or cholesterol medication.  I want to physically fit into the normal world.

While I’m at it I would like to not have issues with depression or anxiety.  I’d like to not have MS.  Well really, while I’m at it I would like work peace and if everybody just loved everybody. I sometimes feel I am in as much control of the last of these things as of my size. 

The reasons I eat too much are part of the core of me.  It’s the same as a perfectionist trying to not be so particular.  It’s the same as fighting any inner drive that is not acceptable or good for you. 

My addiction shows in a big way – pun intended.